Title: Painted Black
Author: Barbed_Edge
Rating: light R, language, some sexual content, spoilers for the season...songfic, major angst
WARNINGS: Wincest.
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Summary: Sam's worried... Dean's scared
AN: Second song fic...for beluga

***

{I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes}

Sam watches the road, his eyes calculating everything, he was scared. Not about where they were headed nor where they were going. None of that mattered really, it was what was happening to him, the psychic stuff that is, not sure what everything meant. His gaze travels across the bench seat of the Impala to Dean, he could tell just by the way Dean held his body that he was scared too. Not that his brother would ever admit to it, not that he would ever tell Sam he was scared of anything. Dean was just that way, to Dean everything was a problem with a possible solution. To Sam it was a equation that might not balance out in the end.

Every thing used to be filled with such light, such youth; and Sam had to admit that since everything it wasn't anymore. Truth be told he didn't want all the colors back, he liked it black and white, easy and hard. He hated it as much as Dean did, the non-controllable variable in the equation, the one thing that remained out of order. That made it hard to do the job they did, see the things they seen. He hated the fact that he couldn't go back to California, but hated even more that he didn't want to. Everything had changed, Sam just wasn't sure if this whole thing was going to work out. Sam sighs and turns his gaze away from Dean, who seems to visibly relax, which makes Sam all the more conscious that things haven't only changed around them, but between him and Dean as well.

{I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens ev'ry day}

Sam watches Dean hustle the pool table, his game as perfect as ever. Sam smiles and sips his beer, his mind turning... they had stopped for the night, Dean had told Sam they needed more money, and pulled Sam into the pool hall. Sam had sighed and nodded his head for once, even offered his help; which made Dean stop and give him a funny look. His words careful, "You don't need to."

"Yeah I know, but I want to." Sam kicks a stray rock away from his boot and watches Dean as careful as Dean's watching him.

"Ok just watch me this time, ok?" Dean runs a hand over his head, and pulls open the doors to the pool hall.

Therefore, Sam had ordered a beer and sat back to watch Dean play, and that's where he's been sitting since. When Dean's hand touches his shoulder its hard and cold, it makes Sam flinch. "You ready?" his voice is closer than Sam thought, which makes Sam tremble.

"Y-yeah." Sam brushes Dean's hand off his shoulder, walking out of the smoky pool hall into the cool, Black night.

"Sam?" Dean asks once they are sitting in relative secrecy of the hotel room. Dean is sitting as far away as he can, his back against the door. This fact didn't go unnoticed by Sam, who closes his eyes to the tears pooling in the depths. Dean doesn't say anything else just sits there his body held rigid.

"Dean, I want to go home." Sam says to the darkness of the room, he knew Dean was there for him, but he also knew some small part of Dean was scared of him. Scared of what this whole thing might mean, what might happen, and what most likely will. Sam's head lolls to the side, his eyes searching Dean's prone form for some answer to close the gap between them. When no answer is revealed, Sam stares into the pitch black room more comfortable with the darkness than he would ever care to admit.

{I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black}

It's another hunt, another success in the long list of fighting the evils that plague mankind. Sam smirks broadly and insane glint in his eyes, to much like Dean now. The thrill of the kill makes his body sing with pleasure, a pleasure he's not to sure of, but likes it none the less. Sam wrestles with Dean, both of them laughing and smirking the whole time. Sam doesn't care that this is happening not even five feet from the dead skin walkers body. Sam realizes that everything now is black, that anything besides him and Dean pales in comparison.

Sam sits on the hotel bed, all the playful fire gone leaving him hollow. Not able to face the fact that it's back to normal for now. That Dean is now careful about anything concerning Sam, Sam sighs and tries to move closer to Dean. Who looks up and asks "What are you doing Sam?" and Sam's youthful smile is set back into a grim line.

"Nothing, just wanted to see what you were doing." Is all he says and returns to his position on the side of the bed, his eyes scanning all his surroundings. Sam turns his head and watches Dean, who pretends he's not being watched. Sam narrows his eyes a fraction, and looks at the back of Dean's head.

"What!?" Dean spins around his body held tight, his eyes calculating, "Is there a reason you are watching me like I'm dying? Or did you see me dying again?" Dean's mouth is set in a tight line. His words cut through Sam, making the distance between them grow even more.

"No, nothing like that, I was just bored." Sam uses the first words in his mind to make a fake sentence that sounds fake even to him. Sam closes his eyes and turns his face away, wishing he could fade away and not have to face the fact that him and Dean have changed. It easier to just ignore it, because Sam knows he can't face the facts right now...knows he to scared.

{No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you}

Sam and Dean's problem was this, they had their problems, then they had their own personal problems. The big problem was most of their problems had no solutions, no big epiphany, no fireworks, no grand finally, when there was no end. That was what Sam thought at least. Dean on the other hand Sam thought, that the only problem him and Sam had was all Dean's fault, it was all his fault that Sam had these problems. Sam had yelled and Dean had threw the first punch, that was why Sam was staring at the tail lights of the Impala. Dean wasn't gone forever just for the night, which Sam figured was a good thing at the moment.

Sam also knew the previous thought was a lie, knew that this fight had put a permanent wrench of sorts in their relationship. Which Sam had come to realize was irreparably damaged, it hurt to realize that, hurt to think at this moment, so for once Sam stopped thinking. It hurt that Sam couldn't fix this, that he didn't see this thing coming. Sam sat in the dark of the room, not caring that his fist was bleeding from where he put it through the mirror. It was just another thing he thought he should have foreseen.

{If I look hard enough into the settin' sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin' comes}

Sam heard the door open, heard Dean getting undressed before climbing into his bed. The silence was wrong thought, normally he would say something to Sam, even if he was drunk and pissed before he left. This time was different and Sam thought that was for the better, that everything was fine. That in the morning Dean was going to laugh with him, and go over the newest case, so Sam believed that lie and closed his eyes.

In the morning, Dean was sitting up in bed, a cup of coffee in his hand, and Sam watches his eyes closes on the first sip. Later on, Sam is cursing and Dean is covered in blood, shaking in his arms. His voice quiet and hurtful, "You got in the way, Sam, I don't think this is going to work out anymore. I'm scared Sam."

Sam stitches Dean up and doesn't ask what he meant with that. Just waits and waits for the answer, he finds it. When Dean's hands find his, and Dean's mouth is hot on his. He finds it in the way Dean scream's his name when he comes, then make Sam scream his. Then everything is back to black, and Sam is crying when Dean gets up and takes a shower; falling asleep with his arms around Sam. Sam knows, knows to the very center of his soul, that was Dean's goodbye of sorts, however fucked up it might have been.

Sam accepts it with open arms and falls asleep, when Dean kisses away his tears after another nightmare. Strokes his hair, whispers words of comfort that don't work anymore. Sam shivers and buries his head in Dean's neck, tears coming down harder when Dean doesn't say anything else when Sam say "I love you." just stares at the ceiling and holds Sam close until sleep finally wins and pulls him under.

{I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes}

Dean was gone when Sam wakes up, Sam knew it. Knew with out having to open his eyes, the room's colder than it ever has been. Dean's gone and Sam knows its not for a couple of hours, or even weeks. He's gone for however long he wants to be. Abandoned is a word Sam never had to use, nor ever felt before, now he knows how Dean felt when he left. He's scared and the room's black, and Sam's more scared of the fact that he's not sure if it bothers him. Sam crawls out of bed, no tears, no pain, no more colors left to paint the world with....just Black... and that's just fine for now.

{Hmm, hmm, hmm,...

I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah!}

***

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