Title: Seeing You, Needing You
Author: Jedi Princess Clarrisani
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Sam/Dean pre-slash
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,314
Warning: Wincest
Disclaimer: I do not own, or there would be more wincestry moments
Summary: Dean has always loved Sam.... Companion fic to "Watching You, Wanting You".


Dean had always loved Sam. It had begun with an innocent brotherly love, Dean adoring his baby brother from the moment he had first lain eyes on him in their mother's arms at the hospital. After what had happened to their mother, that brotherly love had intensified, threaded with over protectiveness that Dean tried so hard to keep suppressed but often lost that battle when things got tough.

At the back of his mind Dean had always hated the moment that their father had really introduced Sam into their world. Dean had always tried so hard to protect Sam, but out in the world, out battling demons and spirits or whatever else fate threw in their path, it was just so much harder. Add in the fact that entering the world drove away so much of Sam's innocence...

Dean wasn't sure when things changed exactly, but one day he realised that the innocent brotherly love had deepened into something forbidden. It was around the time Sam was going puberty, Dean noticing that Sam was losing that puppy fat and developing into the fine young man that he was now. Sam had started to become a lot more independent around then too, and Dean had always admired the fact Sam wasn't afraid to stand up to their father. Dean was scared shitless of him, himself.

It wasn't long after Dean had admitted to himself that he'd somehow fallen for his brother that Dean had noted that Sam loved him back. At first Dean had put it down to pure lust and the confusion of puberty, but as time had past he'd begun to wonder.

He'd always put those wide-eyed stares a pre-teen Sam had given him when Dean walked around shirtless down to Sam not wanting to see Dean like that. It wasn't until later that Dean had realised it was quite the opposite – Sam had probably wanted him to walk around without his pants as well. Damned pervert.

When Dean had finally recognised it and realised his own feelings, he'd put a stop to it. He made sure that he always wore a shirt, not just to try and keep from encouraging Sam, but because Dean knew that look of Sam's would leave him so damned hard Dean would need one very, very long cold shower to work it out of his system. It'd happened more than once.

That didn't mean Dean didn't like little moments though. Sometimes when Sam was asleep, Dean would sit on the edge of Sam's bed and simply watch him, sometimes reaching out to gently run a hand through Sam's hair. Sam always looked so innocent when he slept, like everything they went through, the burden of their life, wasn't weighing down on him.

Even now he still took every opportunity to watch Sam sleep. When Sam had a particularly bad nightmare he would offer support, secretly thrilled when Sam actually accepted it and allowed Dean to enfold him in his arms. Dean loved the feeling of Sam cradled against him, although he was slightly jealous of the fact Sam was taller than him.

Dean knew that their father had known about his feelings for Sam. It wasn't so long after he, Sam and their father had been caught in the path of a tornado, the building they were in falling down around them but somehow they, and miraculously the Impala (thank god), had survived unscathed. John had pulled Dean aside and made him swear with every fibre of his being to never, ever, do anything to hurt his brother.

Dean had known in an instant what John had been talking about, so had made sure that things had never transgressed between he and Sam. And god it had been hard. No matter what he did Sam's image always came to mind when Dean was getting himself off, and sometimes evven when he was screwing some random chick he’d picked up at a bar. It was always awkward when the latter happened and Sam's name somehow slipped from his lips in the middle of it. Girls really did not dig that.

Sam didn't make things easier either. The casual touch, that sweet smile, looks that clearly told Dean Sam was doing a little more than just undressing him with his eyes. It was all Dean could do from just pinning Sam against a wall and showing Sam just how much he did mean to him. He'd almost done it on more than one occasion. And the older they got, the harder it got.

No matter how many girls Dean met and slept with, Sam always remained number one. He still was. And Dean was pretty damned sure that Sam always would be.

Even now, lying in the darkened hotel room feigning sleep and seeing Sam sigh and roll onto his other side, Dean longed to climb out of his bed and into Sam's. Sam had done something similar only last week during a storm. They were still spooked by storms after that tornado incident, but this one had really shook Dean up for some reason.

He'd woken from yet another nightmare that he could never remember, and after calming himself down in the bathroom he'd returned to bed, reluctant to sleep. He'd just sat there, barely noticing Sam had moved until Sam was behind him, enfolding him in his arms.

Dean had accepted, enjoying the warmth of Sam's body wrapped around his. Then Sam had gotten cheeky, Dean feeling his body flush as two of Sam's fingers had teasingly dipped below his waistband. Not one to be outdone, Dean had returned the favour and slid his fingers under Sam's collar, seeking out that little sensitive place that left Sam shivering and those beautiful eyes half-lidded.

In all honesty, Dean really shouldn't have know about that place, but years of innocent brotherly wrestling combined with some not so innocent touching had allowed Dean to find one or two of Sam's sensitive spots. Resting his head on Sam's shoulder, Dean had gazed up at his brother, meeting his eye as Sam held his gaze with that half-lidded look that always left Dean swallowing hard when it was directed at him.

He had just wanted so much to kiss Sam right then. He could feel the phantom touch of Sam's lips on his, feel the warmth of Sam's breath over his face. Morning breath, mind, but Dean didn't care about that. He brought his hand to caress Sam's cheek, wondering if just once he could allow himself this guilty pleasure. Unfortunately the weather had brought an end to the moment, a crash of thunder breaking them apart. Dean could do nothing more than retreat to his bed and curse his libido.

They'd pretended nothing had happened, of course. They always did. But that last one had been a close one. Dean still thought about the moment, absently running a finger over his lips and staring at Sam, always catching himself before Sam saw him doing it. They had enough awkward moments as it was. Like when he'd walked in on Sam watching porn... oh yeah, talk about awkward.

So yeah, he had it bad for Sam. And considering how long he'd had these feelings, Dean knew they weren't going to disappear any time soon. And given that Sam still had a thing for him, Dean knew his brother was in the exact same situation. But Dean had promised their father. It was a contradiction of sorts – John had told him to kill Sam should Sam go dark side, but he'd also said to never hurt him. Sometimes Dean hated their father.

It didn't really matter though. As much as he wanted Sam, needed Sam, Dean knew that it was the one thing he could never have. But just knowing Sam was alive... that was enough for him. Everything else he could handle.