Title: Giving Up
Author: Tainted Gemini
Rating: PG 13
Warnings: slight slash and language and angst. Incest
Pairing: DeanxSam
Word count 1606
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the characters of Sam and Dean Eric Kripke does
Description: Sam finds a Letter to himself written by Dean hidden in his brother's bag.

***

Sam stared at the ugly walls, luminous yellow walls were just plain wrong. Shaking his head he moved to the bed at a sluggish pace. It had been a difficult few months he was exhausted and more than a little glad to be able to rest in this dingy motel with the evil coloured walls. Flopping down on he bed he sighed contently, the bed was comfy that was all he wanted right now. Turning on his side he just happens to glance at his bag only it wasn't his bag it was Deans'.

Dean was currently out on some errand or another; he'd just dropped off his brother before speeding off to some unknown destination. Sam sighed there was a lot of things lately that his brother did which left him feeling more than a little bit confused. A folded piece of parchment paper lay next to the bag where he had dropped it on entering the room and Sam wondered if maybe it had fallen out of the bag.

Groaning he stood up slowly and made his way over to the bag, bending he grabs the parchment moving to put it back in the bag he stalls. Maybe he should check it first for if it wasn't Deans then he should just throw it away. Unfolding it carefully he glanced at and inhaled sharply nearly falling over he put his hand down to steady himself. It was a letter from Dean. He stood up slowly. Clutching the letter he made his way back to the bed. Settling himself he began to read.

Dear Sammy,

It's been surprisingly easy to just give up on life. I am actually surprised, no I am not kidding. Sure my life sucks but usually I've been quite attached to being alive. I mean come on with this body, how could I not be? The chicks love it; no really stop laughing they do. I know Demon Girls are hot but their Evil. I'm not gone on Demons as you well know. I wonder if I will be able to kill Demons in Hell. That would be awesome, probably not though. That's a pity really, having so many of the son's bitches in the one place sure would be mighty handy.

The Impala I'm sure going to miss her, you better take damn good care of her or I'll haunt your ass. "What a Car." "She is more than a Car really, more of a Goddess of Cars. I really love that Car. She has taken me so many places. God I'll miss that Car. There's other things I'll miss too of course. I'll miss food. I mean good food nice and greasy not that healthy crap. I'm not a rabbit thank you I'm a red blooded male and proud of it. I'll miss Sex. I'm really going to miss sex. I suppose I covered that part with the whole missing chicks but I have to say sex is awesome .Hunting, I'll really miss hunting. Nothing makes me feel more alive than sending those son's of bitches back to hell.

I'll miss Bobby too. Bobby's the best. He really is a great guy and someone to look up to as a mentor. Someone you'll need to have watching your back when you royally screw up Sammy. That reminds me I'll have to have a little chat with him about you one of theses days. I'm sure I don't need to ask him to keep an eye on you but theirs things he needs to know. You need special care baby brother and I have instructions for him. Don't worry I'll tell him to give you lots of hugs. I'll miss Ellen and Jo too. Bobby Ellen and J, they are pretty much are each parts of our little family now. Now Sammy is careful that Jo doesn't talk you into letting her become your new partner. That would just not be a good idea. I'm aware that you are secretly a girl trapped in a man's body, that's okay with me. I'm sure Ellen would have no problem if you asked her to give you a hug.

I guess I'm avoiding the point of the letter but well it's not easy. The person I'll miss the most is you Sammy. You know I'm not the sentimental type I leave that to you but there are things you need to know. I can't say them out loud so this letter will have to do. I know you're angry at me for giving up my life for yours. I understand I felt the same after Dad did it for me. You can call it selfishness, very bad judgment or a moment of insanity but I don't care and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I love you, you're my brother, my family my best friend and something else that I can't define. It's not that I don't know what it is; it's more that I don't want you to know. Trust me its better that you don't know about this side of me. Enough about that anyway I'm going to be a dead man very soon, like I should have stayed the first time around. I know your arguing with me inside your head but it won't do you any good so just stop.

The only thing I'm worried about is what's going to happen to you when I'm gone. I've realized something recently. It' doesn't matter if I'm here or not. I can't protect you from them or yourself. I see your struggle but I say nothing. Truth is Sammy I screwed up big time, you're not the same and it's my entire fault. I'm happy to die because I know if that darkness takes over you I won't be able to stop you. I'm happy to die because I believe I am fueling that darkness. I'm happy to die because I love you too much to watch it happen.

Maybe I'm a coward or just plain selfless but I can't watch you die again not whether it be literally or figuratively specking.

I love you Sammy more than you'll ever know.

Love,

Dean

P.S Take good care of my car

Sam's eyes were wet he could not move from his position his hands shock clutching the letter tightly he sat on the bed waiting for Dean.

************************************************************

"Sam have you seen my bag anywhere?" Dean asked coming through the door of their motel room. Getting no answer he looked around the room. "God these walls are Bright, are they trying to blind us or what? If we weren't trying to keep a low profile I'd complain. I mean luminous yellow come on..." he stopped when he noticed Sam. Realizing something was wrong he rushed to his brother's side. Clutching Sam shoulders he started to shake him gently. He flinched when Sam's tearful eyes meet his so full of misery Dean wished he had something to kill.

Deans heart sunk when Sam handed him the letter he'd written to his brother the one he never intended him to see. He swallowed hard trying to gather his wits.

"You can't save me? You are happy to die?" Sam whispered brokenly. "I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that letter. You weren't supposed to read it," Dean answered in a deep emotion filled voice. His eyes pleading with him for forgiveness.

"Don't leave me Dean," Sam begged he looked so much like a child then, it reminded Dean of when they were children and it had been his sole desire to protect Sam's life and innocence. It broke Dean's heart but it made him realize nothing had changed that was still his sole desire. "I'll do my best not leave you Sammy" he promised. Sam half smiled. "You promise?" he pleaded. "I promise you," Dean answered pulling Sam close.

"I'll protect you Sammy" he whispered. Sam held onto him as if his life depended on it. "There's something I didn't say in the letter. Well I kind of mentioned it but it was vague," Dean said softly not sure if he should continue. "What else I mean to you?" Sam asked. Dean nodded Sam felt it more than saw it Sam looked up and smiled he moved his face closer to Dean's, who stood unmoving. Sam brushed his lips softly against Dean's. His brother responded instantly. Pulling Sam against him he deepened the kiss. Sam was happy to let Dean take control for now anyway.

Dean's tongue begged for entrance into his mouth and Sam granted it instantly. Sam was dizzy as Dean's tongue roamed his mouth as if he was trying to possess all of him but in Sam's mind he already did. Dean owned him body and soul. Dean pulled back for air.

"We should take this slowly don't you think?" Sam arched an eyebrow before pulling Dean down onto to the bed with him. "Okay I'm exhausted but tomorrow night, your going to show me why all those girls seem to like you so much," Sam answered him. Dean smiled lecherously at his brother and nodded "And no more girls"

Dean gazed at him lovingly. "All I need is you"

***