Title: Windmills of Your Mind
Pairing: John Reese/Jordan Hester
Fandom: Person of Interest
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely John Reese or Jordan Hester, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***Jordan put his book down and looked over at John, who was idly thumbing through a magazine. He looked as though he was completely entranced by whatever he was reading, but Jordan knew that wasn't true. John's outer countenance could hide a lot of interesting thoughts.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked, his soft voice breaking the silence. John looked up, raising an eyebrow, then smiling and holding out a hand to Jordan as he tossed the magazine aside onto the coffee table. Jordan got to his feet, moving over to the couch.
He sat down next to John, smiling as his boyfriend's arm slid around his waist to pull him close. No matter how many times John did that, it would always feel thrilling to be held close to this man, to know that John wanted to be with him, wanted him by his side.
It was rare that John spent an uninterrupted night with him, but tonight was apparently an exception to the rule. He wasn't going to ask his lover why he was free for the evening, at least not yet -- but if John volunteered the information before he asked, so much the better.
"What am I thinking about?" John's voice sounded slightly amused by the question; he leaned back against the soft, comfortable cushions of the couch, as though he was considering how to answer. "I'm thinking about us. About you. About how nice it is to have an entire evening alone with you."
"That last bit is what I was thinking, too," Jordan said softly, hoping that he wasn't opening a can of worms by mentioning that fact. He didn't want John to get defensive, or to retreat behind the walls that he always insisted on keeping up between them. "Was it a slow day?"
"A slow day?" John's soft laugh rang out as he shook his head. "I don't know what you imagine my working days are like, Jordan, but it's not like there are fewer people to help on any given day. I just do what I can, when the machine --"
He broke off, the laughter gone in a flash. Jordan felt confused, yet curious at the same time. The machine? What did John mean by that? This was something new, something that he hadn't heard from his boyfriend before, and he couldn't help but wonder what it meant.
"The machine?" he asked, wondering if John was going to give him a direct answer. "You've never said anything about a machine before. What does it do? Is that how you find out who's in trouble and needs your help?" He wanted to know more, but he was that John wouldn't tell.
John shook his head, sighing. "I shouldn't have said that," he murmured, his voice very low. "You're closer to the truth than you think, Jordan. I don't want to tell you everything, because it would put you too close to the center of things. I can't risk you getting hurt."
"But you've already told me about it," Jordan protested, frowning as he searched for some way to get John to reveal more. He didn't want to seem pushy, but now that he knew more about how John found out how people were in trouble, he wanted to know it all.
"I can't tell you any more, Jordan," John said softly, turning to his boyfriend and gazing into his eyes. "If I do, I'll be breaking a promise that I made to the person I work with. I promised him that I wouldn't involve you. I can't break that promise. I'd like to let you in, but I can't."
"Do you have any idea how much it hurts to know that you don't trust me?" Jordan's voice was a mere whisper of sound in the room; he hadn't wanted to lay his emotions on the line like this, but the words had slipped out before he could stop them. "You should have more faith in me."
"It's not that I don't trust you," John told him, taking Jordan's face between his hands, his gaze never wavering from his lover's face. "I do trust you. I trust you with my life. It's that I don't want to put you into any kind of situation where you could get hurt because of what I do."
"How can I get hurt just by knowing how you find people who need your help?" Jordan felt even more confused by John's words; he didn't understand why his boyfriend insisted on holding back information that didn't seem as though it could harm him in any way.
"Trust me, Jordan. You could." John placed a finger against Jordan's lips, shaking his head. "I'm not going to risk your safety in any way. You're close enough to what I do as it is, just by being with me. I'll tell you in time, Jordan. This just isn't the time."
He'd have to be satisfied with that; it was all too obvious that John wasn't going to tell him more, at least not now. Maybe it would happen later, some other day, after they'd been together longer and knew each other better, and John could feel that there was enough trust between them.
"You're asking me to trust you -- so I will," Jordan finally said, still looking into John's eyes. "I just hate feeling like you don't trust me. It seems like there's some big secret you're keeping about how you find out who you need to help, and you can't trust me with it."
John shook his head, but Jordan couldn't help noticing the slight hesitation before he did so. "It's not that I don't trust you," he sighed, sounding tired and defeated. "I don't ever want you to think that, Jordan. It's just that I made a promise that I can't break."
Jordan nodded slowly, accepting John's words. He knew that his boyfriend was an honorable man; if John had made a promise to someone about this particular issue, then it would be wrong to ask him to betray that confidence. It would break something inside John, and he didn't want that.
Still, he wished he could see into the windmills of John's mind, know what his lover was thinking, divine those secrets that he didn't want to tell. Somehow, he felt that John would be better off if he could get that load off his shoulders, if he could confide in someone.
Jordan hoped that someone would eventually be him. He wanted to share everything in John's life, and let his boyfriend know everything that went on in his. It was one of the most comfortable things about being a couple, at least in his eyes -- having someone there to share his life with.
But there were few things that John seemed willing to share, though he didn't feel that he had the right to push and ask questions about them. Even parts of his past were verboten, forbidden ground that Jordan didn't feel he could tread on, even in the most innocent of ways.
Knowing that John was such a private man who didn't share his life easily didn't make Jordan love him any less -- but it was frustrating nonetheless. He could only wait and be patient, and hope that John would be able to open up and tell him all that he wanted to know eventually.
"Now it's my turn to ask -- what are you thinking?" John's voice drew Jordan out of his thoughts and back into the present moment; his boyfriend was tilting his head to the side, looking at Jordan with a curious expression on his face, obviously waiting for an answer.
"I'm thinking about you," Jordan said softly, reaching out to stroke one hand down John's cheek. "I'm thinking about how I can't ever see into the windmills of your mind, and how much I'd like to. And I'm thinking about how good it's going to feel when you can finally open up to me."
"I'll do that one day, I hope," John said, his voice very soft and gentle. "But please, Jordan, trust me enough to let me decide when it's the right time to tell you everything. That time isn't now. And it might not be for a while. But I promise that you'll know everything at some point."
"You just don't want to put me in the middle of any trouble by telling me now," Jordan finished for him, nodding. "I understand that. I know that what you do is dangerous. But you've got to concede that I have a right to worry about you -- and to want to know what my boyfriend is facing."
"I know you have that right." John still sounded tired, as though all of the energy had been sucked out of him. "But I can't tell you, Jordan. I want to, but there are still some things holding me back. I just need you to have faith in me. In us. I hope you can do that."
"I can," Jordan whispered, his fingertips stroking John's cheek, as light as a summer breeze. "I love you, John. I love you enough to put blind faith in you, to trust you no matter what happens. Because I know that you wouldn't keep things from me if you weren't trying to protect me."
"Exactly," John agreed with a nod. "I won't say that it's for your own good, because I know how annoying those words can be -- even though it is. I want to keep you safe, Jordan. I'm taking enough of a risk by being with you. I won't expose you to any more danger than I have to."
"That's good enough for me -- at least for the time being," Jordan told him, managing a smile. "It's hard to not know just what you're involved in, John. But I trust you. I have from the beginning. I just want you to get to tthe point where you can trust me just as much."
With that, Jordan firmly pushed the issue out of his mind, hoping that they could turn their conversation to some other avenue. He wasn't going to find out what was going on in John's mind today, that was obvious. His boyfriend wasn't ready to open up yet, and might not be for a long time to come.
But someday, he would find out just what went on in the windmills of John's mind, he told himself. It was only a matter of time before those walls came down and they could share everything about their lives. He only hoped that day wouldn't take too much longer to arrive.
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