Title: Shades of Midnight
Pairing: John Reese/Jordan Hester
Fandom: Person of Interest
Table: 2, stories_a_z
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely John Reese or Jordan Hester, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***Jordan stood at the window of his bedroom, holding the curtains back so he could look out at the bright lights of the city. John wasn't here tonight; he didn't know if his boyfriend would show up later, or if he would be spending the night sleeping alone.
He hated spending his nights alone, but he'd known ever since he and John had first become a couple that his boyfriend couldn't be with him every night. He could only hope that wherever John was, he wasn't putting his life at risk. He didn't like the idea of his lover being in danger.
Jordan sighed, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against the cool glass of the window. John wouldn't be the person he was if he didn't throw himself into the path of danger, he told himself. Risking his life came as naturally to John as breathing.
It wasn't an idea that sat well with Jordan, but he knew that he couldn't do anything about it. John had to live his life the way he saw fit -- and if this was what he wanted to do, then Jordan had no right to hold him back. At least, that was the direction he wanted his beliefs to take.
But it was getting harder and harder to see things in that light. He hated knowing that John risked his life to protect people who, at times, didn't deserve his help. He himself had been one of the people who did -- but John had told him that there were times when he made mistakes.
He didn't know how John found out about these people who were in trouble -- and he didn't want to pry enough to get the answers from John. His partner wasn't about to talk, either; the man seemed to be amiable enough, but Jordan had the distinct impression that he was being kept at arm's length.
John kept him at a distance in some ways, too. Jordan hated knowing that he wasn't privy to everything in John's life, but he supposed that he couldn't blame his boyfriend for being slow to let him in. After all, by his own admission, John was used to being alone.
Jordan didn't know much about John's past love life, but he did know that the man he loved had been through a lot of emotional pain in his past. He knew that John had suffered some terrible losses, and he only hoped that he could make his lover eventually put that loss in the past.
John wasn't ready to do that yet; he still worried that the two of them would lose each other, and it showed in the way that he made love to Jordan at times, in the way that he held him when he had to leave. Before John walked out the door, his embraces always felt .... desperate.
Jordan had no fears about John not coming back. He knew that no matter what happened, his lover would come back to him. He had to believe that; if he didn't, then he would worry himself sick over what John was dealing with whenever they weren't together.
He wasn't going to put himself through that. He'd never had to deal with that kind of emotional upheaval, and he wasn't ready to start now. It was probably a selfish way to think, but he had to preserve himself. And he had to believe that John was capable of taking care of himself.
Neither of them wanted to live their rest of their lives like this -- at least, he didn't think that John did. Even though his boyfriend hadn't voiced it in so many words, Jordan was sure that John wanted a more settled life, a life without all the risk and worry.
Jordan turned his head to glance at the clock on the table by his bed; it was already midnight, which meant that any hope of John being here tonight at some point was probably gone. John rarely ever came to his bed this late at night; they wouldn't see each other until tomorrow.
That didn't really matter, as long as John was safe. He wished that his boyfriend could call him, just to let him know that he was all right; even if they only spoke a few words to each other, and those words didn't include the three syllables that he most wanted to hear, he needed to set his mind at ease.
John knew that he worried, and he did try to call when he could. But Jordan tried to understand that there were times when John simply couldn't call him; either he was too busy, or it was too dangerous for him to do so. He just had to wait -- and trust that John wasn't in danger.
That was the hardest thing to do, he thought with a sigh -- especially at this time of night. The shades of midnight seemed to get darker with each night he spent not having John by his side; it was as though the night closed in around him, like some kind of dark shroud.
He took a deep breath, pushing that thought as far away from his mind as he could. He didn't need to think like that; being morbid wouldn't do either himself or John any good. He had to think positive, had to believe that John knew what he was doing, and that he was keeping himself safe.
More than anything, he wanted to talk to John about just what he did for a living, how he and his partner found these people who were in trouble, and exactly what he went up against when he helped them to even the score. He wanted to know just what John faced on a nightly basis.
The problem was that John didn't want him to know any of that -- or at least not more than he absolutely had to know. He didn't want to feel that he was pushing John; he knew that his boyfriend wouldn't take kindly to anyone prying into his business, not even Jordan.
If only it wasn't getting increasingly hard to blindly believe that John would be all right, he thought with another soft sigh. When he looked at the sparkling lights of the city in the velvet blackness of the night, he couldn't help but think that there was a dark underworld to such beauty.
John was out there somewhere, and he had no idea what his boyfriend was doing. He had no idea whether John was safe, or if he could be in some sort of trouble. He wouldn't know anything until John either called or showed up at his door.
He hated being kept in the dark. He understood why John felt that he had to do so, but it still felt as though John didn't trust him. He could keep whatever secrets John had; there was no reason for his lover to doubt that. They shouldn't have these walls between them.
Jordan sighed again, closing his eyes and bringing an image of John into his mind's eye. He'd never been in love the way he loved John; this man had captured his heart, body and soul, and he never wanted to be free again. He wanted to spend all of his life with John -- and beyond.
There shouldn't be any barriers between them. They should trust each other completely -- because there was no real love without trust to go along with it. He loved John, and trusted him with his life. But did John feel the same about him? Jordan wasn't sure of that.
He didn't doubt that John loved him -- but did John love him enough to confide in him? Would John ever be able to trust him completely, to take him into his confidence without any doubt whatsoever in his mind that he was doing the right thing? Would he ever be able to let those barriers drop?
Jordan wanted to believe that it could happen. He wanted to feel that eventually, John would be able to open up to him, and that there would be no more walls standing between them. But here, as he faced all of the shades of midnight outside his window, he found it hard to believe.
This was usually the time when John came to him -- slipping into his apartment like a shadow, taking him to bed, making love to him throughout the night. There were times when the man he loved seemed like a phantom, coming to him in the dark of night and not becoming real until the morning.
He loved John. He trusted John. But that love and trust had to come from both sides, or it wouldn't endure. He would love John for all of his life; he had no doubts on that score. But would John always feel the same about him, or would he eventually turn away?
John wouldn't do that, Jordan assured himself. He tried to keep the word firm and strong in his mind, but they faltered a little. He couldn't be sure of exactly how John felt; he knew that his boyfriend loved him, but just how deeply did that love go?
It was something they would have to talk about at some point. There were barriers in their relationship now, but those walls would have to come down at some point. And this probably wasn't the best time for him to be thinking about such things, not when he was so worried about John's safety.
He knew that it was probably ridiculous for him to worry about his boyfriend. He knew very well that John could handle himself; he'd seen the proof of that with his own eyes. But he couldn't help sending up a little prayer that his lover was safe, and that he'd been seeing John soon.
Sighing softly, he let the curtains fall back into place, though he remained standing in front of the window. He wouldn't see John tonight. He should simply accept that fact and go to bed, and hope that his boyfriend would call -- or better yet, come over in person -- tomorrow night.
As the thought coalesced in his mind, the doorbell rang, followed by a knock on the door. Jordan almost gasped in surprise, then his heart felt as though it leapt into his throat. John. It had to be John. No one else would be at his door at this time of night. And that was definitely John's knock.
He'd learned to be cautious when he went to the door, and he was careful this time. He moved slowly towards the front of his apartment, waiting until he heard the knock again, slightly louder this time. Yes, it was the two raps, then three, that John always used.
Jordan glanced through the peephole in the door, relieved to see that it was indeed John standing outside in the hallway. He looked none the worse for wear; he wasn't bruised or bloody, and there wasn't a hair out of place. He looked as though he was just coming over for a visit.
Jordan couldn't hold back a smile as he opened the door and held his arms out to his boyfriend. All of the various shades of midnight seemed to have evolved into a bright, shining hue that would continue to light up the night for as long as he was safe in John's arms.
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