Title: Worst Serial Killer
By: star-gatherer
Pairing: gen
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned in this fic...although I'd love to have Hotch as my own ;)
Summary: One-Shot. The BAU contemplate several possibilities before coming to an unexpected conclusion.


The members of the BAU team sat around the table all with contemplative looks on their faces. Hotch frowned in concentration and was the first to break the silence.

"Well, obviously, paranoid personality disorder..."

Gideon nodded thoughtfully, "Poor social skills, lacks self confidence..."

"And! He stutters...just like the Footpath Killer" Spencer inputted.

Morgan shook his head... "No way, you guys...first of all...come on, even with profiles, we got to account for their physical capabilities..."

His team mates nodded slowly in agreement...

"That's why it's got to be this other guy: He's narcissistic, self-righteous bastard..."

"Cant admit his mistakes..." Emily remarked

"And more than anything else, he's the only one with an efficient means of transport." Hotch crossed over to Morgan's side

Gideon mused this over a bit... "But he's the only one to really exhibit close family ties, pride in his family..."

"Good family life is not something one usually finds when looking into the biography of serial killers" Spencer lent weight to the statement

"So who are you thinking, Gideon?" Emily asked

The older man shrugged, "Just saying what I think..."

"Wait." Hotch picked up a pen and twirled it around in his fingers "what about this one..." he used the pen to indicate a picture

"Him?" Spencer sounded skeptical... "His intelligence level is too low...I mean, we aren't looking for someone of above average intelligence but his is..."

"We aren't looking for an organized killer here, now are we?" Hotch asked rhetorically

"Then again, he is known to light fires..." Morgan rubbed his chin as he considered this new possibility

Emily had to concede "One third of the homicidal triage..."

"If we're talking homicidal triage, then this one..." Gideon pointed to the one beside the previous topic of consideration "He's known for cruelty to small animals..."

"He's irascible – anger management issues...also a narcissist, also cant admit his mistakes..."

"Obsessive Compulsive too..." Emily sighed "Guys, we're going around in circles..."

"Well, he actually has easy access to weapons, unlike any of the others..." Spencer studied the picture

"No...No..." Hotch had that look on his face... "We're missing something..."

They sat in silence once again, turning over the different possibilities...

It was Emily who made the next suggestion...

"Could be Eeyore, you know..."

"Eeyore?" Morgan snorted "Yeah sure, I'd pick the donkey over Piglet or Winnie the Pooh..."

"But over Owl or Rabbit?" Spencer shook his head disbelievingly

"No, Eeyore...antisocial, pessimistic...lacks family life..." Emily argued her point

Hotch nodded slowly "Chronically unsuccessful..."

"Could make him feel like the world owes him..." Gideon shrugged his eyebrows

Morgan remained skeptic... "Eeyore?!"

Spencer stuck with his friend "I'd say Gopher if it's just down to the two of them anyway..."

"We're not including him, because he's not in the book" Hotch reminded the youngest agent.

"Also," Gideon stood up, indicating this was to be his final say in the matter "Eeyore is a loner, the others leave him alone giving him no sense of community, but leaving him with ample time to plan his murders."

No one, not even Morgan or Spencer could argue with that last bit...Slowly the rest of the team stood up as well. Hotch looked around at his team, assembled in his living room; on the coffee table in the middle lay the entire DVD collection of Winnie the Pooh which Jack had been kind enough to lend to them for the purpose of their study.

"So we all agree now?" A round of nods

"Thanks Emily, now, we are decided that Eeyore would make the Hundred Acre Woods' worst serial killer"